Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends - By A. Gibas

THE GIFT

By

A. Gibas

A Builder built a temple, he wrought it with grace and skill;

Pillars and groins and arches all fashioned to work his will.

Men said, as they saw its beauty, “It shall never know decay;

Great is thy skill, O Builder! Thy fame shall endure for aye.”

A mother built a temple with loving and infinite care,

Planning each arch with patience, laying each stone with prayer.

None praised her unceasing efforts, none knew of her wondrous plan,

For the temple the Mother built was unseen by the eyes of man.

Gone is the Builder’s temple, crumpled into the dust;

Low lies each stately pillar, food for consuming rust.

But the temple the Mother built will last while the ages roll,

for that beautiful unseen temple was a child’s immortal soul.

Hattie Vose Hall

For years I have loved this poem… and yet, I am not a mother. I hope one day, in the Lord’s perfect timing, to become a wife and mother and bear as many children as the Lord sees fit to bless me with. But even now I can be learning how to be the godly Mother described in the poem above. A few years ago I realized that the way I treated my siblings was one day going to be the way I treated my own children. Now that was a scary thought. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been taught that children are a wonderful blessing, and I desired to one day be a godly mother for my children. My future husband and I would together be expected by the Lord to love them, serve them, teach them His ways and His word, win their hearts, forgive them, discipline and disciple them, home-school them, show them who Jesus is by our example, clean up after them J, teach them to work, enjoy playing with them and a thousand other things. Then it hit me, why not practice and learn those things right now with my siblings? I could learn how to be a godly mother by being a godly sister right now! I knew that I wasn’t their mother, nor would I ever be able to take the place of my mom, but I could at least be a Christ-like example for my siblings and learn how to love and care for children. I could still serve them, be patient and forgiving towards them, open up my heart to them, encourage them and build them up. I realized that they needed to become my best friends. That is what they should be, isn’t it? Just like our children some day.

My Heart ~

The Lord has blessed me beyond anything that I could possibly deserve - I shake my head in wonder every time I ponder His incredible gift of blessing me with so many brothers and sisters. I am the oldest of 10 children. I have 2 sisters (5th and 7th born) and 7 brothers. I love ALL of my sweet brothers and sisters so very much! We all would be thrilled if the Lord saw fit to bless us with another little brother or sister someday, but we are content if that is not His will and we already feel like we are full to overflowing with the blessing and joy of children in our home. Through the years I‘ve tried, and all-too-often failed, to care for my siblings the way I hope to care for my own children someday, but the Lord has been gracious in spite of my sin, and they have truly become my best friends.

Before I share with you some of the practical things that the Lord has shown me to do to build my relationships with my brothers and sisters, let me just say this. Deep down in my heart I love my siblings so very, very much. I can’t imagine loving them more, but my actions don’t always show it. I am far from perfect, and I’m still learning every single day how to love my brothers and sisters and how to serve them, and how to deepen my relationships with them. I am on this journey too, and I have by no means arrived, nor do I think I ever will. J I have been tremendously blessed to have grandparents and parents who love the Lord and are very relational people. And yet, I still have a long way to go! If you don’t believe me, just ask my siblings. J Dear sisters in Christ, we are walking this road together, and though I’m thankful to have the opportunity to share with you some of the things the Lord has taught me, I have by no means mastered the art of sisterhood! The important thing is that we keep fighting, that we run this race, and even if we fall down a few times – or a thousand times – we get back up and keep running. Every step of the way our Lord is with us, and His strength is ours if we but ask Him. Sometimes God’s assignments for us may seem huge, but His rewards, on earth and in heaven, are even bigger. Let’s run to win the trophy of His smile

The Decision ~

I remember about 10 years ago when I was nine or ten, that I decided I had HAD ENOUGH. I was sick and tired of fighting with my brothers. At that time I had 3 brothers, and my sister was only 2 years old. I wanted to be done with the anger, and resentment that arose in my heart and speech every time my will was crossed by my siblings. The Lord says in His Word that a gentle answer turns away wrath, the tongue of the righteous is as choice silver, the mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, death and life are in the power of the tongue and that the wise woman opened her mouth in wisdom and the teaching if kindness was on her tongue. (Proverbs) I wanted my words to bring life and healing to my family, but instead most of the time the words I spoke were harsh, like the thrusts of a sword. I realized that the Lord wanted me to love my siblings and speak to them the way He would speak to them, love them the way He loved them and have compassion on them the way He had compassion on me. I no longer treated them as if they were enemies, but God wanted me to go farther than that. He opened the eyes of my heart to see that they were gifts and when someone gives you a gift you treasure it. I needed to treasure my siblings and make them my BEST FRIENDS. I knew that if I wanted them to become my best friends, I would need to speak to them, spend time with them, forgive them and love them more than myself –things that were easy to do with my friends, but hard to do with my family.

There really isn’t a complete “formula” to transform your brothers and sisters into best friends. If there was a “formula” or a “list of rules” to follow, it would be too easy. The Lord wants us to work at this and sweat a little and plead with Him for help. If relationships were easy, we’d be tempted to think that we could do it on our own. But the reality is we can’t even breathe on our own. We need our heavenly Father’s strength in every area of life. Christianity is about relationships, not formulas. The struggle of building relationships draws us closer to our Father and to each-other, and that closeness is a beautiful gift.

Brothers ~

Each person is so different and unique and has varying needs and desires. For example, boys are different than girls. For those of you who haven’t noticed, boys are very, very, very different than girls. J I love my brothers and wouldn’t trade them for a thousand girls… and I love my sisters and wouldn’t trade them for a thousand boys. God created us male and female for a purpose and it is good. Men’s and women’s roles are not identical, but they are equal in importance, and the Lord loves each of His children so very much. I have been deeply thankful for my brothers and the opportunity that the Lord has given me to learn how to relate to men. I hope that one day the Lord blesses me with many sons. This world needs more godly men! I have watched as my brothers have grown from little boys into men, and I soon realized that when they turned about 11 or 12, they needed me to not only be their friend, but they also craved respect. At that age they are starting to become men, and any encouragement and honor that we as sisters can give our brothers blesses them. At times they don’t act like men, but I know the Lord still wants us to honor them, just like they still need to love us girls even when we aren’t being so loveable. Really, it’s great practice for being a wife someday; the way we serve and honor our brothers and fathers now, is the way that we will one day treat our husbands.

Sisters ~

My sisters don’t need respect, so much as they need love. They just want to be with me, and work with me. They try and mimic most everything I do – my words, my tones, my actions - and it scares me! There is so much sin in me that I don’t want them to copy, and yet in many ways it’s a good reminder that any sin that I commit doesn’t just affect me. My sin hurts my sisters and is a bad example for them, and in the long run, it will hurt my descendants and their descendants. It is so important for me to be a godly example of a woman after God’s own heart for my sisters. I have to be very diligent in encouraging my little sisters that it is a beautiful thing to be a girl, a daughter, a sister, and someday a woman, wife and mother. It is true that people listen to our actions more than our words. Our sisters watch how we live, and if we show them by our example that being women of God, homemakers, daughters and sisters are beautiful things, they will believe us. Caley (11), Mackensi (7) and I find that because we are together almost 100% of the time, we have to strive diligently to work together in unity and love. I do have some authority over them because I am so much older, but they need to see me being a servant and know that I tell them to do things because I love them, not because I want to be a big boss. They in turn get the opportunity to learn submission and servanthood as well.

Building Friendships ~

One thing that seems to greatly help me build my “friendship” with my siblings, is doing something with them that they like to do. Although we don’t do this too often, they love to go out for ice cream or lunch, and afterwards help me run errands. Those “outings” provide good opportunities to talk. Our family loves to read, so oftentimes, we’ll pick a book, and I’ll read it one on one with a sibling. We usually read at night before bed, and sometimes I’ll make hot chocolate for us to drink in my bed as we read. It usually takes us a few weeks to get through the book depending on how long it is and how often we read together, but it makes that sibling feel so special and loved. I just finished reading a book to my brother Bradley (13). Spending that time with him greatly deepened our relationship and gave us opportunities to talk and laugh together. I give four of my siblings piano lessons every week, and that has taught us many character lessons as well as brought us the pleasure of learning how to glorify the Lord with our music. We also enjoy playing a game together one on one or as a group, although that is not quiet as personal.

Again, each sibling is different and they have different needs at different ages. They each desire love and encouragement in different areas, and we should be sensitive to those needs and figure out the best way to serve them and uplift them. The little boys, Paul (5), Timothy (3) and Joel David (1), just love to be held and cuddled. They enjoy short stories as well, or just getting on the floor and playing and laughing together. Little children, and really every family member, brings so much joy, if we remember to LIVE life with them and not just go through the motions. I also have tried to learn to be consistent in disciplining the little boys and teaching them the ways of the Lord. (1 Thess. 5:14-18) Sometimes I’ll build a fort in my room and sleep in it with Peter (9), Paul and Timothy (or at least try to sleepJ). I also do that with the girls, and we’ll read a book, have a tea party, paint our toe nails, or have a tickle war. A couple of years ago I tape recorded myself reading the book of Psalms, Philippians, Colossians and 1 John for my sisters to listen to as they fell asleep every night. I wanted them to get in the habit of listening to, quoting and meditating on scripture as they fell asleep, and I thought they might enjoy it more if they listened to my voice instead of some stranger’s. I think my little brothers would enjoy listening to the Psalm tapes as well, but they enjoy their time with their big brothers before bed

Building Closeness as Brothers and Sisters in Christ ~

Recently, I have been trying to pray with each sibling on a more regular basis, but I still need to learn to be more faithful in that area. I normally try to go in and talk to each sibling at least once or twice a month at night as they are falling asleep. That time seems to work the best because the house is quiet and neither of us have any distractions. I then share with them what the Lord is doing in my life, and what I’ve been struggling with. I ask them if they see anything in me that they think I should be working on, and I ask how I can pray for them. Basically, I just open my heart and ask them to do the same with me. Usually our conversations will last at least several minutes and oftentimes for hours, and it is so good for all of us to learn how to share our hearts. My father and mother are very good at sharing their hearts and being relational, which is something all of us children are grateful for! After years of talking and opening up our hearts, especially between my oldest two brothers and l, we have very close, trusting relationships with each-other. I love it! And it gets better every day, because now I am not only close to Tyler (17) and Daniel (15). As the rest of my siblings grow older it is getting easier for me to build that sweet friendship with them as well. It is such a blessing to be able to have my closest friends living in my home with me. We know each-other so well, and we love each-other so much! These friendships are a precious gift, and it is well worth all the years of hard work trying to build close relationships!

True Love – Dying to Self ~

I think one of the main things that we as sisters need to learn is to love our siblings even when we feel they don’t deserve it. We are sinners too, and yet our Lord shows us so much grace and loves us even though we NEVER deserve it. I know we would all say that we love our brothers and sisters, but do we really love them? Would we give our lives for them? I think most of us would say, “Of, course!” But, we don’t really live that way do we? If we truly loved them, we would die for them – every day. We would die to our flesh and choose instead to live to serve them, love them, honor them, clean up after them with an uncomplaining heart and build them up in the Lord. Dear sisters in Christ, our brothers and sisters need our encouragement! People usually live up to the expectations of others. If we expect our siblings to be failures, then we will probably convince them that it must be so. We need to encourage them even in the little things that they do right. We need to have faith that the Lord will use them in mighty ways someday to build up His Kingdom, and that they will be remembered as one of the great heroes of Christian history. We need to tell them these things often, challenge them, uplift them and help them see that by God’s grace, they will become conquerors. (Romans 8:35-39)

Press On! ~

May our Lord Jesus give you strength, dear sisters, as you seek to love and treasure your brothers and sisters. Remember, we never know when it will be the last time we will have a chance to say “I love you” to someone. Let’s not waste these precious years we have with our brothers and sisters. Now is the time to build these relationships so that we can enjoy the blessing of them being our best friends for the rest of our lives!

“And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all theses things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” Colossians 3:12-17